trying to make sense of it all

even if it rains and the sun won't shine

I just wish this part of the process would hurry up. It hurts because even though I want to, deep down I can’t and honestly, don’t want to let go, at least not yet. And there are a ton of things that remind me of you.

They say that time heals all wounds, but distance can make the heart grow fonder.


one time i actually thought i had a chance with someone 

(via shynor)

Sorry, just need to let it all out

I’m going to apologize in advance if the below seems not in order, I just need to let it out. But all I have to say is, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!


'Year One'
This story starts pretty much in the 2010. Four years ago. I just finished high school, joined a team that just made it into the top level for indoor. As look into my old posts, I realized I didn’t write much about it, then realized that I wrote in a separate journal. And looking back on it I realize how much more (I think) mature I’ve gotten. Anyways, as I’m reading, it says season starts November 21, 2010 my last post for a while was November 9, 2010. The jump forward to December 12, 2010 and ohh boy I was like I need to get better everything. Especially defense and being stronger on the ball. Trust me when I say I was getting my butt handed to me. I would jump in and get beat and it’d be like a chance on the net.  February 13, 2011 comes around and its talking how two weeks ago (since I haven’t wrote a post other than Jan 16 when we beat an actual major team 2-1 somehow) we got a new coach and we’ve been improving and playing with the other major teams. This new coach…his name is John, and personally, I think he’s a great coach. I like how he doesn’t beat around the bush. More on that later. Then comes outdoor, where the team is unbelievably stacked, we beat every team but one the entire season and didn’t practice till provincials and with those three practices, we somehow won it. I thought I was in shape and did well that season but looking back I am not pleased at all. Even when I expected not to have seen the field I am not happy about my mindset. I did play half of games usually…but still.

'Year Two'
We end up playing top flight again for the following indoor season. And I was like we got a solid team so I’m thinking we’ll get a few wins, and John’s goal for us is provincials (written right in my little book). It also says that he said I have confidence problems. A lot of my coaches have previously told me that, I don’t like to think of it as confidence problems, rather as knowing what I can and can’t do. That indoor season had 3 entry, the goal being the first, midway saying we were two points behind the third placed team and the final provincial position. The last entry said that we needed two wins in the last two games and tied them. It was close. Following that, I wrote in August, that John had left us to coach the major team since we were the feeder team and major being the top. We ended up winning provincials that season. I was playing all over the place whatever. Not a big deal.

'Year Three'
New coach, the person who coached us that outdoor ended up playing major. I got benched in indoor for not being ‘big’ enough.Then told I wasn’t big enough to play as an midfielder in outdoor. Got told I was doing fine otherwise. Only good thing out of indoor was I got to play as a defender. A little bit after being benched in indoor, I went up to John and asked him for what I could improve on. He asked me what I thought I had to work on and I said everything, but probably to focus on fitness. After hearing that he told me that skill wise I was average and that it would be passable and that I was correct, my fitness HAD to go up or else I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere. That outdoor season, I got pulled up for 1 major game. We got hammered 7-1, they didn’t score when I was on (that 1 goal was when I was on too, yay!) but I couldn’t last that 45 minute half. After the game people were like good job I think I was satisfied at that point. But looking back on it now, I feel embarrassed. I was asked to help out because he thought I would be in shape and I could put an effort for the team. I didn’t. Now I’m pissed off at myself. With my own team, we won provincials as well. A major player joined cause she got (I think) wrongly cut. But she’s good and we worked really well together during the outdoor season.

'Year Four'
Didn’t come first the last indoor season, so we stayed in premier. Another new coach, half the team was new and we had four full lines…everywhere! It sucked. I started the season with my buddy, ended up as a striker, then finally got to play my position. A girl who use to play major but doesn’t have time to because of other sports, joined. She became my defensive partner who didn’t mind playing with me. It was great. We were a solid defensive pairing. And we really thought alike. Came in first, then won provincials. Overall, pretty fun provincials especially hanging out with the team and also cause defense only had 3 lines. :) Then comes outdoor this season, and I’m like hitting the gym as often as I can at the start of summer. That two major players (the coaching one I’ll talk about later) that I talked about got put in the middle with me and we killed it. Defensively, we got everything sorted out fast and offensively we were firing on all cylinders, we just got each other and supported each other, I was baffled. It was all I could ask for. That major player that coached us ended up on our team and she was an amazing complete forward. She could play as a target or run with it. Only problem was at the start we couldn’t click, we had the same idea but my passes were hitting her as opposed to right next to her. We finally get it sorted out and she’s out for the rest of the season, injured. Anyways, I get asked to play with major. And first game, their full back was injured, so it went from having me and a teammate be the subs to one of us starting and most likely playing the full game. I played the full game as a full back, never played it before. Was in shambles the entire second half. Double header so played the second game the next day, got in the second half then rushed home to play my game. Played mostly the entire game with my team. Was feeling really good after that. But the entire season, I was getting called up to play major and was playing a good amount. Minimum was 45 minutes and playing full games. Saw some good games, some bad. But I was happy. It wasn’t like last outdoor where I felt like I was dragging the team down. I was doing that a little bit because position wise I wasn’t the best but fitness wise I was able to compete. I ended up playing around 9 or 10 of the possible 14 games as a full back, could’ve been 10 or 11 games if I didn’t get stupidly injured in my own game. That feeling knowing you’ve worked your ass off and you can now compete at this level is amazing. Major and us ended up second and we’re both going to provincials. At the last call up game, John asked me to think about what I wanted to do for indoor.

Today, he calls me (always by last name) and he’s like, have you decided what you want to do for indoor? And I’m like uhh with the ‘not yet’ face. And he’s like doesn’t matter! because I’ve already decided for you. And I’m like, in my head, seriously? Why? That’s not fair. Then I have to tell him I can’t because I’m moving. And he’s like why, asking me all these questions and I’m like I’ll be back as soon as I can. I ask him to let me know if he plays the good team from the other city so I can talk to the coach and try to get his contact info. He’s like for sure, just send me an email and I can hook you up. So as I’m leaving after chatting with him, it hits me. He didn’t let me choose because he knew I was going to stay on my team, so he took the choice out because HE WANTED ME on his team. After working for hard for four years, finally getting in shape and I feel like a lot of the major players have accepted me as a player at their level (a lot of them and some parents thought I was on their team for provincials) I was going to be on a major team because I was good enough and in shape. I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I was mad because I wasn’t getting a choice, super happy because I was recognized for all the work I put, and super upset because I wasn’t going to continue with all the improvement. I have to try it with a new team, which will be good but seriously, why now of all the times it could happen? I love seeing the progress of what has happened the last four years and this fifth year could have been amazing.

well, i did it

And for once in my life. I wished I was really really wrong. I wasn’t.

please let my courage last until i do it

Soccer’s really coming together. In terms of playing midfield with my team and getting a ton of call ups for major. The last game with premier and major weren’t amazing. But I’ve been hitting the net a lot more this season which is awesome. Still wish there were assists that the league keeps track of because the three of us in the middle would be way up there. And it’d be interesting to see…oh well, can’t have everything right?



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